Thursday, November 3, 2011

How I came to write Erotica : My erotic self

I've tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I'm afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred. ~Ernest Hemingway

How I became an Erotic writer is simple.  I knew that I was a writer. I have been writing my entire life.  That part was easy.
I knew that I loved romance and relationships between men and women. So I decided that I needed to get all my ideas down on paper.
It has taken me quite a long time to finish my book. Most people do not realize that it took a total of almost 3 ½ years to write this. When I entered into this venture I was not sure that I could write the novel at all. I was afraid that I was too impatient to even write a novel.
I was a short story writer and the thought of writing a full length novel was terrifying.  Yet I knew that if I just put my mind and my heart into it I could do anything.
I loved reading romance novels. I had been reading those since I was in the 6th grade. I started off as a Romance writer. I was still afraid that I would not be up to the task of writing a novel.
Guess what, I did it. I wrote an entire full length romance novel.  Oh it was your run of the mill boy meets girl, girl plays hard to get, boy gets girl anyway.  All so tame and neatly packaged.
I was so freaking bored with this story.
I could not believe that I had written a complete novel and I myself thought it was boring crap! I became so bored with what I was reading. I knew that if I was bored with my book that my readers or anyone that dared to read it would regret that they bought the book.
The first draft of my book I thought sounded good but after reading it and reading it,  I ended up scrapping the whole book. Imagine writing a whole novel and having to scrap the whole thing and start all over.  I was slightly devastated. So I wrote the novel again.
I tried adding a little more controversy and a little more drama. It really didn’t work.
The characters kept trying to tell me that I did not understand who they really were.  I was trying to fit round pegs into these square holes and not really listening to what they were trying to tell me.
My husband read the second draft of the book and he was not that impressed.  He felt that the book was a little too tame. It didn’t sound like my voice. I had to admit he was right but I believe that I was afraid to write.  I mean really write. I was holding back.
Then I came across, oddly enough, for the first time a beautifully written Erotic novel. I was mesmerized! This is what I should have been writing all along I thought. Yet, I was terrified to write something like that.
I spent my whole life hiding the sexual side of myself because I wanted to be the good girl that my parents, friends and family believed that I was.  Not the girl masturbating in her room at night to whatever I could find suitable on HBO.  That was not the person that people knew.  They knew the nerdy, studios, straight laced girl that did nothing wrong and obeyed all the rules.
I kept thinking that if my friends and family read what I really wanted to write that they would look at me differently. Sometimes I still feel that way.
I wrote another version but it still felt like the story was still lost and was not all there. I was getting frustrated with myself.  The characters were right there whispering in my ear telling me what they wanted to say but it felt like there was something keeping me from hearing them.  Their voices were lost.
I discovered that I cared too much about what other people would think of my writing style.  I was afraid that they would not understand where I was coming from.
I had a brother who just read my synopsis and said that my nook was “too grown” for him.
I was afraid that my family would think that I was this nymphomaniac, sexually motivated deviant.
My husband on the other hand was wondering where in the hell was his nymphomaniac sexually motivated, freaky, kinky wife that he married.  He claimed that she was not represented in the book. 
I knew deep down that if I didn’t write the way that I wanted to write and just accept the book for what it was I would never produce something that the world would appreciate and something that I would feel was truly my work of art. 
I had to let...and eventually with some prodding and finally adopting I don't give a shit attitude I was able to do that.
Once I came to that conclusion the voices became loud and clear.  Of course it took a couple more versions before I felt I got it right but it was the most exhilarating experience I ever had. I learned a lesson in all this as well.
The writers has to let go of personal hangups in order to produce something truly from your heart. Sometimes you just have to let the book become what it wants to be and just sit back and enjoy the ride.
I'm an Erotic Writer and I am proud of it.

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