Monday, November 21, 2011

Just when I thought everything was good...I fucked up!

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.

It is very hard to explain.

Everyone expects you to be the good girl or the perfect one and you know that you are far from meeting their expectations.

The question is…what do you do?

Do you reject their notions of you and just freely live your life feeling comfortable in your own skin? Or do you hide who you really are and work hard to lie and try to suppress yourself to live up to their standards?

I could not let anyone down so I suffered in silence and by myself.

I have spent quite some time of my life looking for myself.  For a long time I didn’t like who I was and I struggled to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I felt that I can be uptight sometimes and felt like I needed to be free.

You can only do that for so long before you freak out.

That was me. I freaked out. I rebelled against the things that I did to please everyone else.  I just wanted to express myself the way that I wanted to and not care what people thought of me.

That was easier said than done and it was a constant struggled.  It is hard to shake a fraudulent persona after you have lived as that person your whole life. I spent so much time trying to free myself and I did not care about the consequences or rather I tried very hard not to think about the consequences.

I fucked up. I fucked up in the worse way.  I let myself be conquered by myself.

I completely gave in to my need to let go and yes to all temptation thrust before me. I have taken a risk that has left me sad, tired, ashamed, depressed and completely overwhelmed.  I have stepped so far out of my comfort zone that it is hard to find my way back.

In my quest to feel freer and figure out just exactly who I am and what I want in life I lost my true self along the way.  I did some things that were out of character, vile, unbelievable because I thought that was what I really wanted. 

Yes, I admit it.  I enjoyed it at first.  I was living freer than I had ever have.  But then you have that moment of clarity and you realize…

You fucked up bad.

I thought that I was becoming who I was meant to be yet I was venturing further into an unknown world where I could not face myself in the mirror.  When I did find the courage to look…I didn’t recognize my own reflection. 

This person was not me either. 

I was stunned, shocked confused and angry at myself.  How did I let it go this far? How did I let this happen?  My world was rocked and I did not think that I would recover.  I can’t stop thinking about things and where it all went wrong.

I know that eventually I will recover from this but I wonder where it all leaves me.  When will I get to that point where I am content with myself?


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