Friday, May 24, 2013

The Celibacy Chronicles: Failure


Failure

I am celibate… because I don’t want to fail.
My greatest fear in the world is failing. I hate to fail. Since I was very young I prided myself on being a good girl. I obeyed my parents and did everything right.
I never failed.
I went out of my way to be perfect. Yet deep down inside I held onto a secret. My secret ate away at me from the inside out. It burned holes in every part of me it touched and I wanted more than anything to be done with it.
I found early on that I was never attracted to boys. I went on dates with them, but I never felt physically attracted to them like of the girls did.
Oh they fawned over boys and dreamed about the most popular boy in school asking them out. I never had that problem.
I felt like I was failing as a girl.
One night at a sleepover, I realized that I was definitely different than the girls I knew. My friend and I had to share her bed while our other friends slept in sleeping bags on the floor.  While we slept, her body touched and rubbed up against mine. At first I was oblivious until I realized that with every contact her body had with mine, I began to get turned on. Her body was so soft and she smelled so sweet.
After that, there were many encounters where I realized other girls turned me on. I managed to stay away from girls sexually until I went to college.
I had a roommate who I found to be incredibly beautiful. As far as I knew she was straight and not screwed up like I was. She was tall with dark hair and a smooth caramel complexion. Her eyes were a deep brown and she had an envious body. A body any woman would want to have. Her smile melted my heart and I knew she was someone I needed to stay away from.
I kept to myself and rarely had a conversation with her. One day she went out drinking and came back to our room drunk. I tried to ignore her in her sexy dress and drunken stupor. She was slurring her words and talking about the amazing time that she had and I listened quietly. Then she began to say some crazy crazy things that shocked me.
“You are so hot and just don’t know it,” she said coming to sit down next to me.
She sat so close and I moved over and away from her. She didn’t take the hint and recaptured the space between us rubbing her thigh right up against mine.
Suddenly she grabbed me tightly and kissed me. It was a short kiss but it was enough to drive me crazy. It was like I finally opened my eyes and I knew for a fact what I was.
I was a failure.
I moved out shortly after that encounter and got a new roommate and because of my sexual orientation I decided to become celibate.
It was the only way I knew how not to fail.
It was a hard choice but one I was proud of. I was celibate for six years… and then I met Erica.
It was the kind of woman that could drive any man wow. She had dark brown skin with a short Halle Berry type haircut.
We became fast friends and decided it would be cool to become roommates. We had a blast together and found it funny when she continued to fix me up on blind dates knowing I was celibate. I pretended I was somewhat interested in the guys and struggled to maintain my celibacy. While it was a struggle, it was not because of the guys. How could it not be with such a beautiful creature in the same apartment.
One night it was late and I realized I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned.  My clit is throbbing and it was keeping me up. I didn’t want to masturbate because I knew what I would be thinking about.
I walked down the hall toward the kitchen hoping to grab a cup of Sleepy-Time tea to help me go back to bed. I had to pass my roommates room. When I did I heard a voice coming from there. I stopped and listened for a second. They were slightly muffled but they sounded like moans. I pressed my ear to the door and listened. She was clearly moaning. I was puzzled because I didn’t think she had brought anyone home.
Her door was slightly ajar and so I peeked inside. She was laying on her bed her body completely nude lying on top of the comforter. Her beautiful legs were spread wide open her moans were induced by fingers inside of herself.
I was entranced watching her masturbate running her fingers across her clit. My own clit began to throb and my arousal was painful.
Without realizing it,  I began to touch myself. I stifled my own moans while I watched her. I wanted to get a better look and decided to open the door a little. I didn’t anticipate the squeak the door would make that sent her eyes shooting open and making contact with mine.
I was frozen in place not sure what to do. She kept her eyes on me and continued to touch herself. After a few minutes, she motioned for me to come to her.

I hesitated at first then she pressed two fingers inside of her juicy hole and I knew I could not deny her anymore. I walked to her bed and just stood watching her. She pulled her fingers out and held them out to me. I was virtually shaking with desire and fear. I wanted her so badly but I could not. I just couldn’t fail.
She pushed her fingers toward me again and without thinking any further I sat down on the bed and grabbed her fingers. I pushed them into my mouth and tasted her sweet juices.
A large smile spread across her face as I sucked at her fingers desperately. She suddenly pulled her fingers from me and motioned for me to taste the real thing. I felt my body tighten up I wanted her so badly.
“Come on,” she said playing with herself.
My mouth watered at the prospect but my resolve was too great.
I mustn’t fail.
I stood to leave but she caught me and pulled me down to her. I ended up on top of her and she took advantage of that holding me, kissing me. I melted into her. My body refused to put up a fight anymore. I kissed her and felt her hands began to roll all over my body. We kissed and to my surprise I felt my hands glide up her thighs and find its way to the wetness between her legs. She cried out as my fingers entered her.
I let them glide in and out and she threw her head back against the pillow. I continued to pleasure her with my fingers. I realized that just fingering her was not enough for me and I needed more of her. I let my mouth trail down her body. I reached her breasts and I took a nipple into my mouth and sucked on it. I did this while keeping my fingers inside of her. Then I continued down until I reached her navel dipping my tongue for a second. I continued to move further and further down.
Eventually I replaced my fingers with my moist tongue. She moaned at the first contact of my tongue to her clit and her juicy hole. I licked her clit with my tongue while inserting my fingers again inside of her working her. I worked her with my tongue tasting her, wanting her while my own arousal grew. Suddenly her body jerked and she grabbed me. I felt her wall squeeze my fingers as she came hard moaning loudly. I couldn’t believe it. I made her come. I made another woman come and I had never been more aroused in my life.
Then I realized I had failed.
I tried to stay away from my temptations. I had failed to do so. I became celibate because I refuse to give in to my desires. It was wrong. It wasn’t right. I was taught that same sex relationships were wrong.
It was a failure. An unimaginable failure.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was never going to change. It was my life. I dipped my head down again to taste her, lapping up her come. I went down for one more lick and I thought to myself failure never tasted so good.

4 comments:

  1. This is an excellent description of the torment young people feel in the throes of sexual arousal, straight or gay. Celibacy is not a substitute for sex education. Is this part of a larger work? I like the title: Celibacy Chronicles. I am interested to see where you go with this.

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  2. "I went out of my way to be perfect. Yet deep down inside I held onto a secret. My secret ate away at me from the inside out. It burned holes in every part of me it touched and I wanted more than anything to be done with it."

    Donnee, your story could be the story of so many of us. The fear, the denial of self, the self-hatred wreak havoc on so many young lives.

    I like how your main character is afraid of, hates, failure, but then is able to reconcile it with humor, "failure never tasted so good."

    xoA

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  3. Failure is not always a bad thing.

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  4. This is the journey everyone must travel to self-understanding and self-acceptance. T

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