is for Guts
I have guts.
That is what some people have said to me. They say I’m brave for being able to honestly express in my blog and in my stories my thoughts and emotions so freely.
They say I’m brave for being able to write erotica freely without any worries or shame. Some days I will post a story on my blog and the only comment I will receive will be,
“You are so brave.”
Having someone say that to me is very strange. I have never considered myself brave. There have been so much in my life that I have been afraid of that brave would have been far from what I would use to describe myself.
I was always afraid my entire life to be me. To want what I wanted, to think the way I wanted to think and to feel the way I wanted to feel.
My fears always convinced me that if I just be me that would never be enough for anyone. I was not enough for anyone.
I never had the guts to disregard what others thought of me. There was no life without the love and acceptance of others. From a very young age, I knew that I was very different from the people that surrounded me. I never had the guts to talk about my sexuality, my bisexuality, my hopes, my fears and who I truly was and who I wanted to be.
My first novel unbeknownst to me was my brave coming out story. I didn’t realize but interwoven in the pages was my cry for help. After my mother died unexpectedly it was then that I realized life is too short for me to continue with myself pity and cowardness. When this happened I felt a serene freeness in my writing. I began to release the person, the writer hiding inside of me.
I decided that I was just going to be me and if that meant some people would walk away from me then so be it.
It has been hard but I guess it did take guts.