Wednesday, June 5, 2013

My Sexual Journey

My sexual journey began at a very young age. I was definitely a precocious child and began to have sexual feelings at an early age. Sex was not discussed in my family but it was definitely going on frequently. There are 9 of us and by the time I was 10 years old I already had about 5 or 6 nieces and nephews. There is plenty of sex gone on but no one was talking about it. So I obeyed the family example kept all my fillings to myself.
An early age I use have sexual feelings for select girls. I was very interested in boys but  on occasion I would become attracted to girls.
I shrugged it off and thought it was a phase. I prayed it was a phase. Coming from a  Baptist family and a society that says what I felt was bad…I prayed and prayed and prayed.
By the time I was in high school I was utterly tormented by my feelings. I hated myself for finding women attractive. I utterly, violently wished that I was someone else. In high school, I kissed my first girl and that drove me into another depression. My feelings didn’t go away they only intensified as I got older.
I became depressed and a hermit. It affected my friendships and my relations with other people. After high school I met my husband my first year of college. He watched as I struggled to come to terms with who I was. He tried to be there for me but there was only so much he could do. Eventually I couldn’t hide anymore I decide to seek help. After much soul-searching I finally decided I need to be true to who I was no matter what.
Fear of what my family would say, what my friends with think about me haunted me.  My husband assured me that no matter what he was going to be here for me.
Eventually I called my best friend, my sister and my dad and told the truth. A truth I had been hiding for years.
That I was bisexual.
I was afraid they wouldn't accept me or they would act differently around me.
Once I told them, you know what? The world didn’t end. Despite my panic attacks, my world wasn’t turned upside down. They accepted me. All these years I had been hiding and ridden with shame and they accepted them. Well, the important people have.  

So…the journey continues.

7 comments:

  1. You are a brave and open woman. It is wonderful to hear that you have a great support system and have been able to find happiness in truth. At the risk of repeating myself, your honesty rings true in your writing; I believe that is the best kind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. What I wrote doesn't do justice to how difficult it was to come to terms with myself.Thank you so much.

      Delete
  2. I'm so glad you were able to tell your family and they supported you. I'm sorry you had to go so much personal torment before you shared the news.
    I agree with Davyd, your honesty does ring true in your writing. It does make for the best kind of writing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Donnee, I know the joy in the freedom of finally being able to be yourself and knowing that those who are most important to you love and support you know matter what.

    Thanks for your honest and heartfelt writing about this fearsome journey. Again: Whatta Woman. xoA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It feels so good to just finally be free of the hangups. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. If we except who we truly are, it really doesn't matter about who doesn't. You are the same person they knew before. Now that you have a different label on you makes you different. I say not. If you are man or woman enough to wear the shoe, then they should just step out of your way...

    ReplyDelete