is for Friends
“I don’t have any friends.” My husband would hear me say on a regular basis.
Normally he would spout out a laundry list of women I hang out with.
“Are they your friends?”
It was hard to explain to him that just because I went out with them or had lunch with someone didn't necessarily make them my friend.
For me a friend to someone with a kind heart, loyal, considerate and someone I could trust. I never really thought I found that person.
Because I didn't trust barely anyone in my life other than my family, I never showed people the real me.
Growing up as a child of 9 children I always felt like I didn't belong. I always felt there was something about me that kept me from having real friends or feeling like an outsider.
Elementary, junior high, and high school I went through friend after friend and never held on to any friendships. Every year I had a new best friend. Eventually I would always end up in a clique with a group of girls and eventually they would all decide that they hated me and none of them would want to be my friend anymore.
When I went off to college, I was certain the same would happen. I was surprised when I met a red head full of life that I instantly connected with. We have been friends for 11 years now and she is someone I trust. She’s loyal to a fought and very generous. She is the only person besides my husband that I can be completely myself with. We are always there for each other. She is also my children’s godmother.
Then we got up and moved to California and I was completely across the country from family and from her. I was devastated and felt like I was losing my mind. I was in a new city with no friends. I felt like I had lucked out in college finding a lifelong friend. How good this hermit introverted writer start over and find new friends and a brand-new state and city.
I sought help from a therapist and discover things about myself.
Because I never felt like I fitted in anywhere I adapted myself to the people I was around. I became what they wanted me to be just so they would like me. Yet, I could not be that person for very long. Eventually the real me would surface and of course that would turn all these friends off. To them, I am changing and I am not the friend that they want to be around.
My therapist told me that I needed to be myself if I wanted to find the type of friend I wanted. The problem was I had spent so many years being someone else that I could not figure out who I really was. I was having a hard time figuring out what was real and what was fake.
So I decided that when I begin to make friends in this new city that I would be myself whether they liked me or not. I have been working to learn what I truly like and what I truly want. I am learning that people would love me more if I just be myself.